“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
You Might Also Like
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy