WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
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[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?