The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
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Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
anyone else like Italian cereal
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.