What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
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“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
How to make infinite energy.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune