What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
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If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
This meeting could have been a cake
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?