“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
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I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
don’t be scared
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*