What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
You Might Also Like
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
me opening up to someone
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic