me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
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Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Me trying to “trust the process”
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*