unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
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cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
A fake ID that makes you younger
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class