Bruh 😭😭😭😭
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[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.