Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
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“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day