@omgthatspunny: what do you call a fish with no eyes?? fsh
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@Eric_Bader: Got laid twice in two days so either I've done something really good or my wife has done something really bad.
@gogglepossum: [me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter] Wife: what are you doing? Me [looking around for excuse] just...changing my tampon
@robotmouthfarts: EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this? Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.