MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
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ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
When you don’t understand how floors work
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
*updates tinder bio*
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!