If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
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He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Monday?
No. Next question.