I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
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JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
The news in a nutshell.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life