What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
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ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
San Francisco has too many rules
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
🤣✨#caturday
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps