What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
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not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.