What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
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You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Does this dress make me look cat?
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy