What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
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OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Death certificates are our last participation award.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go