What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
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if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….