Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
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Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
crazy
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
This why you should mind your business
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro