WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
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Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart