@ExcuseThePuns_: What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.
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@SteelFontana: If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They'll thank you later.
@iwearaonesie: *smoke detector goes off* *toddler runs around screaming* *smoke detector goes off again* wife *walks into the kitchen* me: How was your nap?
@Fickle_Filly: A starfish has five arms. An anablep has four eyes. An octopus has three hearts. And you've got two faces.