@ExcuseThePuns_: What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.
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@truegritrumble: MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you're not taking this seriously. ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
@cynicanoldicus: The ex wife once told me her greatest fantasy was kneeling in front of me while I spurted all over her. She never mentioned it was my blood.
@ShutUpThatsWho: [first date] HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware? ME: [filling container] The sign says 'All You Can Eat', it doesn't specify when