Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
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I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.