What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
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Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
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My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time