@tigergreengrove: What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use some Lube.
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@iwearaonesie: wife: Why didn't you talk to me about getting a goat? me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
@Brampersandon_: DAD: u can grow up to be anything u want ME: imma be a hamster D: ok not that M: *already building an elaborate series of tubes to run thru*
@curlycomedy: Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don't know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
@Goggner: Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?