Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
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14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
yes… yes…
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage