Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
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Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Meow
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.