What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
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If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?