My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
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We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth