I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
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this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Who.
Did.
This?
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Are we there yet?…
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.