what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
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Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
meanwhile over on facebook
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd