What do you hear?
You Might Also Like
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.