What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
You Might Also Like
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Me: how are you
Friday: good
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
incredible text to wake up to
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat