What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
You Might Also Like
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”