really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
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on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.