boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
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zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Lmfaoooooo
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email