What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
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fun fact: nike is short for nichael
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”