I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
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Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.