What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
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So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Ha
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.