What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
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How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Sorry not sorry.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.