What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
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*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”