What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
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Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”