Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
You Might Also Like
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
whatcha thinkin bout
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies