*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
You Might Also Like
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
peak technology
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
2 years later
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.