“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
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It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Jail
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters