‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
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Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
*updates tinder bio*
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.