What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
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My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…