What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
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American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
There’s always that one guy
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
buys donuts instead
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh