What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
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So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
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*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.