What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
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Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Do one person every day that scares you.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”