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i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.